I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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