I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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