This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
