Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Randomize
