we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Randomize