Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
That's how pantless uber rides happen
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