this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
