She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
