I want to have your abortion
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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