Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
