My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize