Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize