the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
im about as happy as oj after his trial
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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