can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
