It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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