can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Too much gin, very little bucket
I checked into jail on foursquare
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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