i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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