Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
