i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Randomize
