Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
