remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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