Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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