I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
