I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Randomize
