why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize