I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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