if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
