There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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