I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
