Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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