fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
