This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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