hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
