Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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