suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
