remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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