From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
