Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize