if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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