Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
