i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
