I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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