I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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