The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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