Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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