wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
