grandma shit on top of the toilet
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
