Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
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