Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
