New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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