Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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