Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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