Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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