I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
