i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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