Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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