Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize