You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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