i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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