i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
